Single Mom – “It must be nice.”

I don’t think many women think they will get pregnant, have a child and not get to spend every day, every weekend, every holiday with that child. But it happens. And it’s not what you think.

After almost years of this routine I think I’m ready to share some of my experience that I’ve had with us and set the record straight for some people who have no idea what it’s like but are naïve enough to make comments about it. I am not angry, but someone needs to say it.

“You must love having alone time.”

“Wow, I wish I got a few days to myself each week.”

“Must be nice to do whatever you want!”

“So cool that you get a break.”

…..these are just a few things people have said to me. Right time my face. Of course I smile and give a giggle “ya, so nice.” But that’s not what I am thinking. If you’re a mom that shares her child with a co-parent you know where this is going.

No, I don’t think it’s cool, I don’t love it, and you don’t wish you had “a break.”

I wish people thought about what they say before they say it.

While I have come to terms with not having my son 3-4 nights a week, I will never be used to it or enjoy it.

Here what you don’t see; the mom at home walking by her child’s dark empty room. Looking at the toys going unplayed with in the play room. The books on the night stand not being read. Craving one of those sweet hugs, snuggles and sloppy wet good night kisses. Not being able to say “I love you,” and tucking them in at night. Missing those giggles and footsteps running down the hall. The awkward silence, coming home to an empty house.

Worrying about missing mile stones, hearing how school went that day and funny stories. Missing mornings and nights of shared holidays. Not having him on a day of a family get together or the day that there is a show or event you want to take them too.

Your kid is half of your heart and when they are not there you feel it. You truly feel it with your whole soul.

I do realize a few things. 1 I know my son is healthy and happy at his dads. I know that he is well taken care of when he is not with me. I know that this is very common for kids to have split homes, and I know it’s better to have him growing up in 2 happy homes then 1 where the parents are not happy together.

That aside, no parent enjoys not having their child full time.

So please. Please. Think about what you say to the mom or dad who is aching not having their child. If you see them out they are probably just trying to fill their time, to be around family and friends because being home alone in the empty house is hard to bare.

So shout out to the single moms and dads. I see you, I feel you, and I know it’s not easy. 💕

-Amanda

Happily Ever…Never

If you think it will never happen to you, you’re wrong.
Trust me, I thought the same thing. How can the man I loved, for 13 years, shared a life with, 3 homes, 2 cats, blended families and created the most perfect son….turn his back on me? If you think you know, you probably don’t, and I don’t think I will fully heal until I tell my truth. So grab a big mug, because here it is…. I am about to spill the tea.

It was a sunny Saturday morning February 12, 2022, two days before my birthday. My whole world crashed into a million messy pieces all around me. I was cleaning the kitchen and making breakfast for my son, his iPad died so I grabbed my husbands iPad that was sitting on the counter as well for him to use while his charged. I opened it up, and everything I knew was gone. Standing at the kitchen counter in my kitchen, messages started coming in. Heart eyes and smily faces that seemed out of place. I opened the message from (lets call her Kate). Kati was a friend of the family. My husbands dad and her dad were like best friends, her brother and my husband were friends. Kate was referred to as a “little sister,” not to mention she is several years younger. Money was exchanged and a “have a drink on me” message from my husband…she was in Florida at the time. At first, innocent enough, but the kissing heart face was throwing me off and my damn gut told me to keep digging.

In 13 years I have never looked at his phone or his computer, this felt wrong, but I had to know. I opened Facebook…nothing, ok maybe I am overthinking this. This would never happen. But remember, you’re wrong if you think that. I opened Instagram and my entire body gave out. My knees quite literally gave out and I fell to the floor. I gathered myself and leaned on the kitchen counter and began to read. Messages as back as far as August, 6 months. SIX MONTHS.

Now I still have every single message saved, in fact I have them printed as well. All of the receipts. All of the dirty, disgusting, heart breaking receipts. But no, I will not be sharing them here. This is my sharing my truth not airing dirty laundry. sorry. But I will sum up some of what I saw. Basically, as you can imagine, lots of sexting, lots of photos sent back and forth, lots of plans to meet up, lots of “I wonder if she knows” messages, ” there is no way she will find out,” messages, messages about how he was going to meet with a lawyer about a divorce behind my back. I read that I was a “lazy couch potato, with no motivation.” One night Leo had an ear infection and while him and I were dealing with that I later find out (through reading the messages) that he was messaging Kate saying “well I guess I can’t go to the lawyers in the morning because we have to take Leo to the doctors.” Reading about how they liked cuddling and wondering if any family knows about “their extra curricular actives” Kate lives at home with her parents, and this is where the affair was happening. (great role models to be ok with this) anyway she said “my mom knows, she’s loving it.” ….talking about sneaking out to the barn, making out, snuggling, how she liked him “playing her hair and rubbing her back.” There was a message from Kate ” I am super nervous, how are we getting away with this?” Husbands response “I know, but I can’t not see you before you leave for Florida for a month.”
Message from Kate, “You gotta leave her, the guilt has kicked in, I’ve been feeling awful, Is a sketchy place to be in on my end. I don’t ever want to be known has a home wrecker.” …. TOO LATE KATIE!! IF YOU ARE READING THIS….. HIIIII HOME WRECKER! Husbands response, “I totally understand, you have done zero wrong here, Its awful, but I am a human and my feeling for you have obviously taken over.”

…. I am sitting here reading through the messages now so I don’t forget anything, and my stomach is turning and my arms are starting to shake…..but I want to do this right, ONCE, and then never again, and start to really try and move on. I think that’s enough of that….I feel sick reliving that, honestly. Some of those messages will stick with me forever, I play them over and over in my head all the time.

I immediately called my bestie, through tears and gagging, trying not to vomit I somehow managed to ask her to come over. While I waited for her I video screen recored every message. I tried reading it all but I couldn’t, I was so sick and my body was so numb, my head was literally spinning. I would never, ever wish this feeling on anyone to feel how it felt to find all of this. (Except for you Kate….I hope you find the love of your life one day, you spend 13 years together, you create a life, build a beautiful home together, and then I hope he cheats on you too. ) Sorry, not sorry. I said it. I hope you rot, karma is a bitch, and I know she will do her job.

Ok…we are going to pause. I am going to back track and sprinkle in so prequel details for how I guess we got here. Plus I need to calm down from this angry typing. My arms are actually shaking right now. breathe Amanda, breathe.

If you didn’t know, go ahead and go back to the beginning of this blog 4 years ago and read my birth story. I think its important to this story. In a nut shell, I almost died. But I will tell this story as if you are caught up on all that. After Leo was born and after the birth experience, I quite literally became a different human. They do say the cells in your body, and your brain chemistry actually do change after you give birth. My new chemistry gave me over the moon extreme anxiety. I am talking I couldn’t leave the house. (I am going to do a mental health blog later to talk about this, and I really hope it helps someone.) I was in a dark, dark place. I faked it. I faked it every single day. Fake it till you make it they say. But I wasn’t getting better. I pulled away from my friends, my family, and my husband. My only priority and my whole life was Leo. If it didn’t have to do with him, and his safety, I didn’t care. I wouldn’t leave Leo alone for the night, I didn’t let anyone watch him. I wanted, no, I needed full control. That was my whole lives purpose, be a good mom, do everything, every single second, I didn’t get to shower, I was eating like shit, I was driving myself insane. I was having panic attacks, I was making myself sick. I think my family noticed a little, but like I said I faked it. My angel of a best friend, Kelly, noticed, but she stuck with me, she is one of the most patient people I know. No matter how many times I said no to plans or canceled plans she still checked in on me and always had my back. She was my anchor. (hence the matching anchor tattoos.) But who know who my anchor should have been? My husband….

Were we the happiest we have ever been? Nope, that would be a stretch. We tried marriage counseling for a couple months. But very honestly, I wasn’t really responsive to it. The councilor said things like “Leo needs to take a back seat, he needs to be on the back burner.” To a mama with postpartum and severe anxiety, that sounds very cruel and hateful and I thought, “what the actual fuck does this guy know?!” I wanted to find another councilor. I felt like this guy was siding with my husband, I felt even more alone. I wish this guy would have noticed that I needed help first. I wish I would have gotten myself help, tried to fix my broken glass before adding more. But does that mean I deserved this, absolutely not.

I will do a whole other post dedicated to mental health, I am happy to say I did get help, and I am doing better then I was in that regard.

Anyway, back to my unlove story. Bestie shows up and I am just standing there, using the counter to hold myself up. Still trying to pretend I am ok and go about my mom duties because poor Leo has no idea what is going on. I don’t think I said anything to her, I couldn’t, I just turned the computer to her, and she started reading. I couldn’t even look at her face while she read. When she was done she hugged me and let me cry.

She asked what I was going to do, a question I will be asked often over the next year, and I never have the answer to.

I held it together for 2 days. I don’t know what I was thinking was going to happen. I was in denial, I was hoping it would all go away, I was thinking I would wake up from this nightmare. For the next couple days I said nothing. I get asked how a lot. I truly don’t know. During this time I kept reading their messages as they were happening. I had never been more pained. Watching my husband say the things he was saying to this girl. I felt like absolute trash, so discarded.

On February 14, Valentine’s Day, my birthday it all finally came to a crash. I watched messaged of him sending her virtual flowers and kisses while he ran to Walgreens to get me a box of chocolate and a card. The last card my husband would give me. The day went on and I had a few panic attacks, I would sneak away and cry, he started noticing and asking me what was wrong, I always met him with “nothing.”

We went to bed, he wouldn’t touch me. I had enough, I went to the bathroom and collapsed on the cold floor. A panic I have never felt came over me. My chest was so tight, tears came down my face and I gasped for air. I sobbed like I have never sobbed before. He didn’t even come to the door. Didn’t even check on me. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know how long I was on the floor. I got up to get water from the kitchen and only made it to the couch in the living room until I collapsed again. This time he came out, he looked concerned. He sat behind me and held me. (Fuck this is so hard to write) I sank into him. This was it. It took everything I had. “I know everything.” He said nothing. I repeated myself. “I know everything!” He asked what I was talking about, and it all flooded out of me. “I know about Kate!” He asked what I met again. I read back every text message that I read that is now imbedded in my mind.

Silence, but now I could breathe. The ball was no longer in my court. We went back to bed. I asked questions, “how many times,” “how long,” “how could you do this?” I don’t even remember the answers. But I slept that night. I am not sure if he did.

I want to make it clear. To this day, I never received an apology. I never received an admission of wrongdoing. All I have heard was, “it wasn’t working.” “We drifted apart.”

I stayed where I was. He drifted. I screamed for him to come back. I prayed. I pleaded. I begged. I am the kind of person who does not believe in divorce. When I said those vows, I ment them. You work through anything and everything. Marriage is forever. We figure it out. We make it work. We are family. We are soul mates. We make it through the rough patch. We are life partners. Ride or die. My person. My husband. Forever.

2 months prior I had stared anxiety medicine and I was started to come out of my fog. How could this be happening, how could he not stick with me in sickness and in health, I was truly getting better. During this time I thought maybe we would work on things, we started talking things out. I thought we would make it. I was going to move forward. That’s what you do in marriage my love is so deep that I was moving forward, with him. I was wrong.

I saw more messages. He was still talking to Kate. He was going out on snowmobile rides meeting her, messaging her photos saying he was going to take her there to make out. And then send me the same photo to show me the view. During an argument I said “if you’re going to keep it up with her then just divorce me!” The response I got killed me. “I am, they already tried serving you the papers but you were not home.”

I am sorry. What. My ears were ringing and I couldn’t feel my body. My husband, went to a lawyer and filed for divorce and was going to have me served without so much of a discussion about it. A complete blindside. The full feeling of numbness still hasn’t left me to this day.

April 19th.

We were being a “family” hoping everything would go away, hoping he would change his mind and put an end to them serving me. We were in the kitchen, cooking steak together. A nice meal. A knock at the door, and I looked up at him, my face must of gone completely white. I asked him if he could just go get it. I knew what it was. He went out there for a moment and he came back in saying the cop needed to see me. I took a breath and out I went.

The cop greeted me with a “how are you doing today.” I am sorry but let’s me a little bit more sensitive. How am I doing? Your fucking kidding me right? What a dumb question. He handed me the papers, told me to get a lawyer. I went back inside. Threw the papers on the counter, went to my room and cried. I came out, and continued to eat dinner as a family. That was the first night we didn’t share a bed.

From here it began. Lawyers. Arguments. More pleading. During this time I had my bariatric surgery too, he didn’t come to the hospital to see me. I don’t know when but his relationship with Kate ended. Of course. I am not sure why but I thought we would work it out. It wasn’t long until I saw tinder on his phone and found out he was with someone else. I found receipts, they took trips to the casino, bed and breakfasts, light houses. Light houses is how we spent our last anniversary so that one really hurt. That relationship also didn’t last. Then I found out about someone else, and then someone after that. I lost count and lost hope.

The Call

Tuesday night I went to the gym, had a couple girlfriends over for some dinner and wine then settled on my couch for a quite evening. My relaxing and totally normal night was turned completely upside down when I got a call from my sons dad at 9:14pm an odd time for a call since Leo’s bedtime is 8:00pm and we already had our goodnight call.

I answer confused and was met with sudden panic. “Leo, Leo, Leo, buddy, can you hear me?” I hear on the other end, I scream “what is going on!” “I don’t know, he’s not answering me,” his dad says. “Is he breathing,” I asked. “Barley, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s going on!” his dad says in pure panic and I can tell through tears. I told him to hangup with me and call 911 right away, I repeated myself at least 5 times to make sure he heard me. At this point I am off the couch and in full panic myself, I ran to my room and grabbed a sweatshirt, threw my shoes on, grabbed my purse and sprinted out the door. I am surprised I didn’t scratch the top of my car on the garage door as I drove out.

I went at least 70mph down the Belgrade Road and 90mph down KMD, blowing through every red light along the way. Luckily there were not many cars out at 9:00 on a Tuesday night. My legs were shaking so much that I was jerking the car while driving and I could not feel my arms. My head was spinning.

I called him back to see what was going on and the phone was going right to voicemail, I tried four times, voicemail each time. Panic set in deeper. I called my mom to tell her what was going on and that I was on my way to Leo’s dads house, she asked if she needed to call 911 for me and I said that he already should have, and that I was seconds away from the house and pulling onto his street. She told me to try and stay calm and breathe, but honestly it was going in one ear and out the other. The absolute worst thoughts were running through my mind and I was preparing myself for the worst and going numb at the same time.

As I approached the house I saw the flashing lights. I told her that there were ambulances there. At this point, I am pretty sure I went in and out of consciousness. I don’t remember if I turned my car off, I don’t remember my feet touching the pavement as I sprinted into the house, and I certainly have no idea how my legs did not give out completely as I ran. I am also pretty sure I literally, like grew wings and flew up the stairs to the house. It didn’t feel like my life, I felt like I was in a movie. This was not really happening.

I swung the door open to four EMTs and his dad on the floor kneeling around my son, limp on the kitchen floor. I am not sure if I pushed an EMT out of the way or if he moved for me. But then I saw Leo’s face, eyes open, responsive, and looking at me, my light turned back on, I took a deep breath and I became sane again. I was ready for some answers.

EMTs were ready to move him to the ambulance. They scooped him up and his legs, arms, and head were so limp still. I ran after them and jumped into the ambulance beside them. They started hooking him up to heart monitors, oxygen and taking his temperate. They asked what hospital we wanted to go to and I said “I don’t know, whatever is best and the closest.” I asked his dad to go grab his water and a stuffed animal. He came back moments later with Curious George. Leo grabbed him and at this point he was becoming more responsive. Very groggy, but responsive and talking to me. They hooked him up to a seatbelt that fit onto the stretcher.

I just want to pause here and take a moment to say the EMT that stayed in the ambulance with us was amazing. He talked about his daughter with Leo and about Peppa Pig and Curious George, he told him how cool the seatbelt was and that he looked like a race car driver. He was amazing with Leo and at keeping me calm and answered all my questions, I was so grateful for that.

As we were pulling up the hospital, Leo was now talking and answering questions. He didn’t want anyone else touching him and he didn’t like the things he was hooked up to. I was rubbing his head and he started feeling very warm again. I know what this means. I asked Leo if he was going to throw up. He said no. The EMT said “no, he’s ok.” But again, I am the mom and I know my kid, this is his pattern. Fever spikes high, he pukes and then it goes back down right away. Not even a minute later Leo is throwing up. We try to clean him up a bit and the doors open in the back of the ambulance and we get him inside, a small ride down the hall and into room 7.

Someone comes in and asks for the parents information, EMTs give the handoff to the night nurses and in comes the doc. They hook Leo up to the machines and take his temp again, no fever. Leo started to fight a little with the nurses, he was very much over being touch and poked, especially by strangers. He just wanted to sleep. Doc says they believe he had a frebrile seizure. He said they are not uncommon when a high fever spikes and in Leo’s case, this one was not dangerous. He said he might have them again, but not every time he as a fever. The best thing we can do is get him on Tylenol the moment we notice a fever and keep it consistent every 6 hours.

The nurse tried to get him to take some meds orally. The moment he came in with it I knew it was not going to happen. In vain the nurse tried to bribe him with ice cream and a popsicle. Not going to happen. Leo is spoiled and requires me to blend his meds up with ice cream, 1/2 a banana, a scoop of peanut butter, a splash of milk and chocolate sauce. Works every time. Rectally was the only way to give him the meds at this point. He didn’t like it, but you do what you have to do, they were worried about him seizing again. They had us stay for another hour before letting us go.

I laid there in the bed with him, my chin on his head while he slept, and I just cried silently. Relief that he was ok. All of my adrenaline was wearing off and I didn’t have to be strong anymore. After the hour we got Leo home, I stayed in bed with him that night, but didn’t sleep a wink, I watched him like I used to when he was a newborn.

The next morning he was still tired but feeling better. I kept him on Tylenol every 6 hours per docs recommendation and stayed home with him. After that next day the fevers were gone. But on came an ear infection, and another sleepless night with a trip the next morning to walk in care at his pediatrician. Poor kid can not catch a break, and I am one tired mama.

I have never been more scared in my entire life then I was that night when I got that call. I am very thankful that he is ok. I am thankful that his dad called me right away, I am thankful for the EMTS and doc who were great with him.
He is on the mend now and we are armed with more knowledge and a plan for how to help prevent it from happening again and a plan on what to do if it does.

There are many books on parenthood, but nothing can ever prepare you for lives crazy curveballs.

Bonus Read: More On Febrile Seizures
Info from mayoclinic.org

A febrile seizure is a convulsion in a child that’s caused by a fever. The fever is often from an infection. Febrile seizures occur in young, healthy children who have normal development and haven’t had any neurological symptoms before. It can can be frightening when your child has a febrile seizure. Fortunately, febrile seizures are usually harmless, only last a few minutes, and typically don’t indicate a serious health problem.

Symptoms:
Usually a child having a febrile seizure shakes all over and loses consciousness. Sometimes, the child may get very stiff or twitch in just one area of the body.

Are you there momma’s? It’s me, Amanda.

Well shit.

It’s been a while huh? Sorry about that. Just been going through it. You might know, or you might think you know…..I have always promised nothing that the truth here. Just because I have been doing this mom thing for 4 1/2 years by no means means I am a pro, and I am certainly still trying to figure it all out.

It’s going to take I am sure many – a – posts to get caught up here so I will do just that. I will group topics into different posts to get y’all caught up and share all the little details and little nuances that I’ve learned along the way.

So grab a coffee and enjoy 🖤☕️

To the quarantined mom,

***found this in my drafts and decided it was ok to post, a reminder of a wild time, I wrote this in April 2020 and will post with no edits.***
I am grateful things are much different now and this is a time capsule piece.

You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. I mutter to myself a trillion times a day. I have to remind myself as we are all going through this together in a time where we have never felt more alone.

I feel like social distancing could not have come at a worse time. I lost my job and now I clearly can not find a new one, no one can afford to hire, no one is having people come in for interviews, and shaking hands….(& I have an awesome handshake.)

My sons daycare is open but I can’t send him in knowing I will be home anyway and risking him catching something. So we still pay to hold his spot at daycare. Why? Because we love it there, he loves it there, they are amazing people and he learns so much there and I refuse for him to suffer when this is over by not having that spot.

I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom once when I was on maternity leave, and when I was dealing with the guilt of going back to work (I have a blog on that if you go back a bit.) but anyway, that feeling quickly went away. To the stay at home moms, bless you. But it’s not for me.

So I am home. My husband still works. We have also agreed that the is the shopper since he’s already out and “exposed.” So it’s been a month since I have left my driveway. I am not doing the drive thru thing because I just don’t think it’s safe. (I have a lot of nurses in my family and have been advised to just not risk it.) plus I heard my favorite spot had a few positive cases with their workers.

Let’s get dark. This is my “diaries” that’s why you all are here right? Because you know I get real and honest here. I guess if you are still reading this you deserve it. Plus I do this so other women don’t feel so alone, because I know I can’t be the only one going through it, but I might be the only one who talks about it. You’re welcome? …..

I honestly feel like I am going insane. I told a friend I wish I smoked weed or was on Xanax. Like I can’t stop crying. I don’t sleep anymore, I am tired I am up until 2-2:30am. I have zero energy or drive (not like I need much.) I am on edge and short tempered. I have no where to hide, no where to go. My days are mushed together, wake up, cook, clean, play, clean, cook, clean, get toddler down for a nap, clean, cry, job search for an hour, cry, maybe eat, he’s up, cook, play, play, husbands home, cook dinner, clean, bath time, clean, story time, breastfeed for an hour, bedtime for toddler. Watch some t.v., go to bed, cry, eyes closed for 2-3 hours wondering if I wasn’t taught how to properly fall asleep, because why isn’t it working?! Eventually drift off, wake up several times to husband snoring. Wake up, repeat. I miss who I was, who I could be, the potential I had. The fun things and memories I could be creating with my son. He is so young he won’t remember this, thank the lord.

this can’t last forever, I know it won’t. I used to watch the death toll on the news go up and up and up, and I can’t do it anymore. No more news for me. It’s too scary, too depressing. How is this real life? I know I would be a little more “carefree” during this pre child. But I know it’s my only job to protect my son and keep him safe. So if all of the crazy percussions do that, then I am going to be the crazy one and do it. I know this won’t be forever, but somehow this is our reality. OUR reality, because you are not alone. WE are not alone.

From a distance. Virtual hugs. xoxo

Dear New Mama,

(a letter to my past self.)

Dear New Mama,
Wow, things are different now, how things have changed, your thoughts, your priorities, your goals and ambitions, your friends and family. Let me guess, when you were pregnant you thought, “I can do this, it can’t be that hard, my life won’t change, I will just take my baby with me everywhere, it’s not a big deal.” Well here you are on maternity leave, 4 days without a shower, warming up the same coffee 5 times, and counting down the hours until daddy comes home so you can have a moment to yourself. You feel alone, trapped, board, worried these sleepless days and nights will never come to an end. Will I ever get a full night sleep again? You will.

Here you are now mama, 12 weeks later, “ready” to go back to work. Suddenly you feel nothing but guilt. Guilt for ever wishing those 12 weeks would hurry so you could go “adult” again. Guilty that you are even going to work, “why did I even have a baby if I am just going to ditch him 8 hours a day and leave him with strangers?!” You ask yourself this constantly. Guilty, that when you walk back into work after 12 weeks, you feel like yourself again. Yet you sneak to the bathroom a few times a day to cry, questioning if you did the right thing going back to work. Questioning if you will come back tomorrow. You do.

You are in the living room mama, you glance over at your phone and see countless emails, text messages and missed calls. But in front of you is your sweet babe working on rolling over, trying to lift their head. No way you will miss that, so the messages go unread. You will get back to it later, you tell yourself. But in your mind, you wonder, are your friends mad? Do they understand? Will they just stop messaging me all together if I don’t respond, am I ruining this friendship? The friends who are worth it, will understand. There will be times you have to turn down plans, sometimes you won’t have a sitter, sometimes you DON’T WANT a sitter, sometimes you have to leave a party early. The friends who matter…. will understand. Maybe you have lost some friends along the way. Hint: they weren’t worth it anyway. Don’t worry.

This body, isn’t just yours any more mama. You walk by the mirror, and see that maybe you don’t look as you used to, a few more pounds…a lot more pounds. When you put yourself down for those stretch marks…remember, you grew life, an actual human being, you gave birth, and now nurture and sustain that life with breastmilk from that body. Your body lost 72% of its blood volume during child birth. You overcame a major surgery, 2 blood transfusions, and against all odds, that body kept you alive. It is working hard, it’s amazing. Your pants size, honestly means nothing.

Breastfeeding, the hardest part of motherhood for you. You have stated that you will do it. You promised yourself and you promised your baby you would. You were told on day 2 of motherhood that breastfeeding might not be for you because of low supply. This is where most would quiet. You don’t. You sit there and cry because this was NOT part of the plan. But it is part of the journey now, but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you give up. You pump 2 times a day at work. You have pumped in the car, in parking lots and while driving. You made it work. You have to add formula to feedings after every breastfeeding session, and you feel like you have failed. You didn’t. Your baby is not only fed, but is still getting all the amazing and magical benefits from breastfeeding. So what if it’s not exclusive, it’s a bonus gift to your baby. You are currently over 13 months strong breastfeeding. Your goal was only 1 year. You did it mama.

So dear new mama, although things have changed so much, you have overcome it. You have gained so much more then has been lost. You have adjusted. You do find yourself again. A new self, a better self, a more patient, and understanding self. You may feel overwhelmed but you never quit. Even in all of the chaos, dear mama, you are strong.

C-Section Awareness Month

April is C-Section Awareness Month.
This brings me to a topic I have been wanting to discuss for a while now.
The term “natural birth,” and why I absolutely hate it.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch, just keep reading.
(oh, and this gets a little graphic, so if your squeamish or about to have a c-section and are freaked out about it…maybe skip this one.)

I simply prefer the term “vaginal birth,” or say “drug free birth.” I just cringe at “natural birth.” Birth just happens to be the most natural thing on the planet and sorry that my baby came C-section…but to me that doesn’t make my birth story any less “natural.”

Now I actually know some women who had vaginal births, drug free. I believe those women are super hero’s in their own way….
Just like C-section moms are super hero’s too, and here is why…

I am sure that the majority of you reading this know, but in case you didn’t….a C-section is a major surgery and can lead to increased risk of infection, blood clots, intense longer lasting pain, repeat hospital visits, blood loss (hi, how are ya?), adverse reactions to anesthesia, injury to an organ such as the bowel or bladder.

A C-section is NOT the easy way out (so please stop saying that!), it is only done when the mother and the child are at a high risk of complications, whether it be scheduled because of something seen in advance such as the baby’s position, multiple babies, the baby is too large to travel through the cervix. Or they can happen because a risk rises during delivery, causing an emergency C-section. 7 layers of mom are cut through, her insides are picked up and pushed all around, and then they literally start at your chest and push on you (and you can’t breathe) like a tube of toothpaste to get that baby out, WHILE the 2^ndhand person is literally pulling your skin while leaning back to make room for the baby to come out. Now you might be thinking, “yah, so what you can’t feel it!” …Well let me tell you, can still feel the tugging, you can still hear everything, your brain knows that you are literally laying there cut open and people are holding your insides, it’s very mentally scary…and then trust me, the pain DOES come when the medications die off, and it does.

Recovery for a C-section is a bit more intense as well. Mother’s after a vaginal birth can be up and about within hours of child birth. C-section is 2-4 days in the hospital and let me tell you, there is NO pain like the pain of standing for the first time after a C-section, and the fear that your insides will actually fall out….guess what, that has actually happened before…in 2011….not 100 years ago, recently.
Recovery can take at least 6 weeks before doing normal activities, including lifting, reaching, using the stairs, oh and having to hold your incision while you cough, sneeze, and PLEASE don’t make us laugh, because again, it just feels like our insides will fall out.

oh, and don’t think that just because you had a C-section you don’t bleed after birth. Oh, no, its all the same, no one gets out of that. I bleed for 5 MONTHS after giving birth. Cool huh?
Some other things about the recovery process…..not only are you stuck in the granny panties, you are in granny panties that are SUPER high (or super low) because you don’t want anything rubbing against your incision, I guess this goes for any kind of pants you’re going to be wearing, your terrified to wash the incision, they put surgical tape strips all over the incision and you convince yourself that if those come off your guts will come pouring out.

I realize I kind of made this into a pissing contest (oh, C-section moms also still pee a little when they laugh or sneeze, we don’t get out of that either.) but anyway, I just wanted to bring awareness to the topic. If you’re a soon to be mom, DO NOT think, “oh, I wish I could just have a C-section, it will be so much easier!” Nope, it’s not, there is a higher risk involved because it’s a major surgery.

If you brought your baby into the world vaginally, C-section, epidural, happy gas, at home, in the hospital, in a bath tub or in a car…..it’s ALL natural, we are all super hero’s, and we all accomplished the greatest challenge and gift of all time, childbirth & no one gets out of it easy.

Until Next Time Mamas,

-Amanda

The Judgers + Breastfeeding

I have talked about the “Judgers” before when it comes to breastfeeding and promised I would talk about it. I think I have let myself “cool off,” long enough to do this one with out completely freaking out.

I swear breastfeeding is the hardest job I think I will ever have. It’s a 24/7 commitment. Just like being a mom of course. It’s all you think about, it consumes you. Or maybe its just me because I deal with such a low supply.

Breastfeeding

Here is whats always going on in my head and I am sure most moms heads…. “ok, how long do I have till I have to pump next?” “Have I had enough water yet today?” “Crap, that’s spicy, I can’t eat that.” “Ugh, I really should have had some oatmeal today.” “I wonder if he is even getting anything.” “How am I suppose to know if he is full?” “Why isn’t my milk fatty enough?” “Really only 3 oz? I need 5oz!” “WHY CANT I MAKE ENOUGH MILK?!”

Now on top of all that already goes on in my own mind, the LAST thing I want to hear is anything from anyone else about me breastfeeding. Unless what you have to say is, “You are doing amazing.” Or, “Can I get you a glass of water, and then I will leave the room while you feed.” Unless your comments are along those lines, please keep it to yourself. Mommas do not need any extra pressure around the subject.

Unfortunately I have received other comments. Now, some of these won’t sound so bad when you read them, just know that all of these comments also had a particular tone that went along with them.
– “How long are you going to do that for? (Breastfeed.)”
– “Oh, you have to go feed him? How long is that going to take, can’t you just give him a bottle?”
– “There are other ways you can feed him you know, so you can be more social.”
– (When I decline a glass of wine because I am about to do a feeding.) “Oh, come on, look at you, you need a glass of wine, its fine, just have one, get her one!”
– “You can stop soon right?”
– “What if he isn’t getting enough.”
– “He is so little why don’t you give him a bottle too.”
– “Not everyone can breastfeed you know.”
-“Can’t your husband just feed him a bottle?”

Most of the time I just tell myself it’s ignorance on their end. Not in a mean way, but maybe they just really are not educated on the topic. I also tell myself that maybe they are really just curious about. But then I repeat what they said over in my mind and I remember the tone.

The other thing is that I am a private breastfeeder. All the power in the world to the women who can just do it anywhere. I wish I had that confidence and I 110% support breastfeeding wherever and whenever is necessary. Personally, I just have a weird mental block about it and don’t feel comfortable doing it. So when a feeding comes along then I am sorry but either you need to leave the room or I will, and obviously the baby is coming with me, duh. Sorry your visit was cut short but it is what it is. There are a few close friends and like 2 family members that I will breastfeed in front of. I don’t plan on expanding that group either. My baby is a wiggly eater and likes to sit up during breaks leaving my boob completely out and I am not comfortable with my boobs just hanging out there for people.

Which brings me to a quick point. “But Amanda, I have seen you post a breastfeeding pic online before? Why can’t you feed in public?” Again…..babies can be wiggly eaters, the photo is a controlled situation, and I believe isn’t showing more then a photo of me on the beach. It’s a photo, not a video.

Also…why are you so obsessed with me and want to see my boobs so bad?! …..Just kidding! That was just for fun….

I dealt with this a lot in the beginning of my breastfeeding journey. Now I am almost 8 months in and I feel like people have become used to the way I do things and have accepted it. The judging and questions is so hard to deal with and add an extra level of stress that no mama should have to deal with. Stress can actually weaken milk supply.

So if you have never breastfed before and are reading this…..here is a tip, before you ask a question or shoot out a comment to a mom about her breastfeeding. Pause, think of your tone, maybe add in a “I am very interested in this, and have a question if its ok?” Offer support and understand that it’s so emotionally draining for mom, and in her mind all she wants is to get through the feeding calmly, swiftly and stress fee for her and baby. She is not interested in exposing her breasts….

If you are a momma reading this….know that it’s not just you, it happens to, I assume, all of us. You’re doing your best. You are feeing your baby. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or questionable about that.

Have you had someone say something crazy to you about breastfeeding? Share in the comments below.

Until Next Time Mamas
-Amanda

Mom Guilt

If you have been a mom for 1 week or 50 years then I am sure you have felt some mom guilt. Not just 1 time, maybe every day, maybe a couple times a day? It’s one of those things that “they” don’t tell you about ahead of time and its not talked about too much now. Personally, I feel guilty all the time about stuff, some things that I have got over over time, like not being a stay at home mom and sending him to daycare. The first couple months back at work, I would ask myself, “what the hell are you doing?! Why did you even have a baby if you’re not going to stay home with him!?” Then I realized, I never planned on being a SAHM, my family needs my income support, I feel like my son seeing me work will set a good example for him, and me having other passions and getting out of the house MAKES me a better mom. YA IT SUCKS and OF COURSE I rather be at home all day with my babe, but it’s 2019 and thats just not as realistic as it used to be.
Another thing is, I used to feel SOOOO guilty about having to supplement with formula and not being able to just breastfeed like I planned. Well I had a traumatic birth experience that affected my supply from the start, I pump several times a day, I breastfeed when I am home, and if my babe is still hungry after all of that, then I give him a couple ounces of formula. sue me.

One more thing, that I have NOT gotten over (but working on it) is me time. I do allow myself SOME me time. But not as much as I know I deserve. YA thats right mama’s we DESERVE IT! I go out maybe once a month alone on a Sunday for a couple hours. But I feel so guilty if I do because Sunday’s are our ONLY family day. My husband works Saturdays, so Sunday is our only day for the 3 of us. But its also the only day I can leave our son with daddy and mommy gets some time alone. But I don’t want to waste our family time on myself so I never do it.

But lets dive in and try to rid ourselves of some guilt, or at least feel less alone about it.

I took a poll on my instagram account (maine_mama_diaries) and asked you mamas about your mom guilt and a lot of you were sharing a lot of the same things. Which I think is great in a way. So many of us feel the same way, it does suck, but its also nice to know that its so normal too.

Here are some of the responses I got;

“Taking naps while she is awake and my husband is playing with her.”
“Not being able to breastfeeding after my supply just wouldn’t increase.” – Mama Natalie
“Making my child run errands with me when he really doesn’t want to.” -Mama Shelly
“Not struggling with being away from my baby while I am at work.”
“Not spending enough time doing what my son WANTS to do, like play games.” – Mama Shelly
“Having my daughter in daycare 4 days a week.” – Mama Bella
“The kids teeth. They have a genetic problem with them, It’s no my fault, but I still blame myself.” – Mama Ashley
“I wake up angry sometimes, those late night / early morning feedings can be really tough.” – Mama Shannon
“How frustrated I get when I can’t get him to nap or sleep at night.”
“Taking time to do something just for me.”
“Waning to stop breastfeeding. My daughter is 9 months old and I am over it but can’t stop.” – Mama Mel
“Daycare.” – Mama Kasie
“Returning back to work.” – Mama Chantal
“Working full time.” – Mama Randa
“Wanting a day off to myself, then when it comes to it, I fell too bad about it and don’t do it.” – Mama Kayla
“Going to nursing school with 3 littles.” – Mama Ashley
“1. Too much screen time (while feeding baby, easy to have a 2 year old watch the iPad.)
2. Not being a stay at home mom.” – Mama Tori
“Asking people to watch my baby is so hard for me to do. I feel they will be put out. I hate it.” – Mama Kristin
“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t breastfeeding.”
“Leaving my son for some “me” time when I work full time so I don’t get to see him all day.”
“Going back to work. Going to the gym, basically being away from her at all.” – Mama Amy
“For not always feeling like being mom is the best job ever.”
“On those days I wish for bedtime to come sooner, I feel like such an ass hole.”
“Missing me time!”
“Having Chronic Pain and Chronic Illnesses.”

Now I know that I have felt almost all of those myself, so I have a feeling you have too. Doesn’t it kind of feel nice to know that you’re not alone? That someone else out there has the same feelings you’re having.

I really think there is no need to feel guilty for silly things like wanting some me time, or not wanting to breastfeed, and defiantly not for being a bad ass working mom….yet we all do.

Here is a little check list I have to run in my head….SEVERAL….ok, several hundred times a day. You try it too…

1. Is my baby fed?
2. Does my baby have a roof over his head & a warm home?
3. Does my baby have clothes on his back?
4. Is my baby happy?
5. Is my baby healthy?
6. Most importantly, is my baby loved?

….My answer to all of those is YES. If you can answer yes too….then guess what? YOU’RE DOING AMAZING MAMA! Take that bubble bath, take that solo trip to T.J. Maxx, kick ass at your day job, get that diploma, feed your baby however works best for the 2 of you. We are all going to keep feeling guilt, but lets not let it weigh us down too much for too long. Know that all us mamas are feeling the same way and you’re not alone. If you can get through that check list then you are kicking ass already. YOU GOT THIS!

Until Next Time Mamas
-Amanda

Cleaning Bottles + Pump Parts 101

Ugh…such a friggin chore. every. single. night.
on top of all the other things there is to do around the house. Am I right ladies.
working mom problems.

The other day I posted a photo on Insta (@maine_mama_diaries) of a literally bucket full of pump parts with a GIF on it that said “Mom Life.” Surprisingly, I had ALOT of you mamas message me about it sharing your sympathy with me. I have had even more mamas ask me for tips on the cleaning process. Hand wash vs. Dishwasher, Boiling parts vs. Microwave, Sterilize bags vs. the Tupperware version.

First let me say, as long as the parts are all getting cleaned throughly there really isn’t a wrong or right way to do it. There are just a lot of ways you can do it. But since I get asked often. Here is my routine and the things that I use, links and all!

Step 1: Gather Everything to 1 place – I use this pink tub that I got from the hospital.
Once I get home from work, I gather everything from that day, the pump parts / bottles from my pump bag (if your interested in how to keep things clean at work / on the go see my Whats in my pump bag post a couple posts back.)
I also get the empty bottles from Leo’s daycare bag.
There are usually some pump parts from a morning pump or a pump from the night before.

Step 2: Soak everything in HOT HOT soapy water.
I just use dawn dish soap. I do this the second I get home and then I can walk away while it soaks, normally I feed Leo, get dinner started, take a shower, that kind of stuff.

Step 3: Hand Wash It Baby!
Again, this is just how I do it….you might use the dishwasher, and thats fine, but I am a freak and for some reason think that its to germy to mix Leo’s dishes with mine and Matt’s dishes. Also my dishwasher takes forever to run. In a way, it takes time, but is still faster for me to hand wash.
So I use a paper towel and dawn dish soap to wash everything. ( I don’t want to use a dirty sponge that has been sitting in the sink so I use a paper towel on little pieces (basically everything except for the actual bottle itself.) For the bottle itself I use a bottle brush.

Step 4: Sterilize that Bish!
I have a Philips Sterilizer. Its SOOOO easy to use. you add 7oz to the bottom of it, Put things in it (it has to stay spaced out, so I normally have to do 2-3 rounds of this depending on how many times I pumped that day if I had a lot of pieces to wash.)
then you pop it into the microwave for 2min and bam everything is sterilized. bye bye germs!

Step 5: AIR DRY!
I use this Philips Avent Drying Rack. It holds SO MANY pieces on it if you use it the right way. I think I have figured out the perfect method. I wash all of the bottle rings / flanges first and those get put on the arms of the “tree” then the bottles go on top of those, and then the nipples can go on the smaller places, and all the other pieces rest on the bottom.

& then your done! I normally leave everything right on the tree over night to dry and then the next day (before I start the washing process I swap out and refill my pump bag with the clean stuff so its ready for the next day and then put everything else away. I have little organizers in the cabinet for all of this stuff to help it stay organized.
I really hope that helps some of you mama’s out!

Until next time!
-Amanda